I have always enjoyed a nice pillow, and I think this is a direct correlation with my fondness for boobs. Boobs are basically pillows that you can nap on at any given time. The convenience and multiple uses for these things are endless. Can't swim? Who gives a shit, if you have boobs you won't need to learn! Dammit! I forgot my clutch and or purse to put my cell phone in! No worries! Tuck it in the cleavage and you will be rockin' in no time! Oh know! i forgot my pepper spray! Out goes the boob and down goes the perpetrator, knocked out cold! Bottom line, when women complain about their backs being sore because they have to carry around their "stupid boobs" just remember how much they do for you, they have feelings too. Ask not what your boobs can do for you, ask what YOU can do for your boobs.
Some guys are ass guys and some guys are boob guys, it is just human nature. The fact that ALL of my fantasy sports team names include some form of the word boob or metaphor for the word, makes me clear in my obsession with boobs. Here they are in no particular order: Large Jugs, Team Tits, and Team Jugstitsnsex. I think women should celebrate their two gifts, and my fantasy sports team names are my show of respect! The best time in a young mans life is when girls start "developing" and all of a sudden you are left to wonder what the heck is poking out from that shirt? All of a sudden the training wheels come off the bike and the training bra takes it's place. I have to assume a girl's growing boobs is similar to the first boner of a young chap, you are so confused and feel like a monster is pushing a button inside of you, and once it activates it Is similar to Pinocchio's nose when he tells a lie! I have always enjoyed a nice pillow, and I think this is a direct correlation with my fondness for boobs. Boobs are basically pillows that you can nap on at any given time. The convenience and multiple uses for these things are endless. Can't swim? Who gives a shit, if you have boobs you won't need to learn! Dammit! I forgot my clutch and or purse to put my cell phone in! No worries! Tuck it in the cleavage and you will be rockin' in no time! Oh know! i forgot my pepper spray! Out goes the boob and down goes the perpetrator, knocked out cold! Bottom line, when women complain about their backs being sore because they have to carry around their "stupid boobs" just remember how much they do for you, they have feelings too. Ask not what your boobs can do for you, ask what YOU can do for your boobs. Oh I almost forgot, they can also double as a nice warm neck roll!
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I absolutely despise the Seattle Seahawks, as a die hard Green Bay Packer fan, that is a pretty obvious statement. I do, however, think this is pretty cool. I have always been a Nate Robinson fan and enjoy how selfish he was on the court. He played like it was 1 on 5 in most games, that is how the game should be played. The fact that he was JUST taller than a dwarf made his insane vertical even more impressive! Other than the Vince Carter dunk contest, I think Nate Rob's win was the most entertaining in my lifetime. Apparently he played football for two years at the University of Washington as a cornerback (position he is trying out for). He has an NFL-type body but he is also 32 years old. The odds are stacked firmly against him making the team but at least he is getting a shot. I don't think the Legion of Boom is looking for a dunker, maybe he is there to show Russell Wilson the ropes on how to have sex? Speaking of that, no chance in hell Russell will excel in the bedroom when compared to the rappers Ciara has banged. He will for sure spit motivational quotes to get better though. "Why not me, to get better at sex?!" "Ciara, I'm just trying to go 1-0 in the bedroom today." Sorry I got a bit off topic there. As far as Nate Rob is concerned, this is probably the worst team he could have gotten a tryout with. Oh well, worst of luck to the Seahawks! I've never been able to shred on the guitar, heck I have never really been able to play any instrument with any kind of success whatsoever, or tried for that matter. However, I get a different feeling inside my sole when I slip on my super sleek and sexy guitar underpants. I have had these babies since high school and never felt the need to toss em out! I have also graduated to briefs, but on some lazy days/weekends I dig through my underwear drawer and slap these sweet hearts on my private region. There is just something about these magical delicates that makes me believe If I was faced with a bullet, and had to lay down some tasty licks or get my head blown off, you bet your sweet ass that bullet would remain in the chamber!
The fine detail emblazoned on these bloomers makes me believe they have to be Fenders. The coolest part is that they contain THREE DIFFERENT STYLE "FENDER" GUITARS! You wanna feel badass, there's a guitar for that (the V-shaped one, in my humble opinion). Hey, I wanna feel a little like John Mayer for the day, stick to the casual style Fender guitar. (The all black and white one) Hell, it basically depends on which side of the bed I wake up on as to which guitar style I want to take on for the day (aka my attitude). These things exude a kind of confidence I wish all of you assholes could feel! For that, they will always remain in my rotation. I suggest all the boys go out and purchase a pair of these if you want to feel invigorated with life again. Slash himself has a pair of these very same underbritches, so try that on for size! Justin Bieber didn't pick on someone his own size and got his tiny ass beat last night after game 3 of the Cav's and Warriors NBA Finals game. He was booed during the game when shown in a luxury suite with Cav's gear on and the gritty people of Cleveland wanted nothing to do with the heartthrob or his apparent "curse" on teams he visits before games. Well I will once again stick up for my boy, that "curse" talk is complete bullshit, the Cavs dominated last night. Afterwards, Bieber took an enormous swing at a large black man and needless to say it didn't go well for the Biebby baby: I respect the fact that he thinks he could possibly hurt this man, but he needs to just let that one go. Also, the real question I continue to have, who the fuck is Bieber's favorite teams? He continues to jump from one team to another and I am starting to think it is a Canadian thing, see Drake. Who is Justice Beaver?
The latest to weigh in on the age old debate of which team is better? The ever insightful, Magic Johnson. Magic believes his "Showtime" Laker team would beat the Warriors team. This was in response to Klay Thompson's remarks about his Golden State team beating that same Laker squad. THAT was in response to whose dad could beat up the other dad!
OH MY GOSH!! SHOTS FIRED!! Mr. Magic, you little devil you! For the love of all that is sacred can we please stop bringing up this USELESS fucking question, please?! The fact is, none of these teams will ever play each other, Steph Curry is not going to check Michael Jordan or Magic Johnson, Scott Pippen is not going to grapple with Draymond Green (or leave a tip for anyone) blah blah blah. Why can't we just live in the goddamn moment and appreciate what we are watching? This goes for all sports and all eras. An NFL linemen today would literally kill a linemen from the 60's in sheer bulk and mass alone, but dammit to hell I think those 1960's Packers would beat the 2000's Patriots teams with all of their heart and determination! Why would we be asking a hypothetical question that will NEVER come to fruition in the first place? I think my 2001 Little League All-Star team would beat the 2001 New York Yankees, but it doesn't mean we will get the chance to find that out. In this case there is no need to embrace debate, eat my shorts Skip Bayless and Stephen Ass Smith. This makes me lose a tiny bit of respect for one of my all time man crushes. I feel like being the quarterback of the Green Bay Packers, eating cheese is in the contract you sign. Apparently Rodgers has read certain dairy products can increase inflammation in your body, he is now down to 218 pounds of sexiness. I am not sure about that, but I do know I had a terrible bout of constipation a year ago and I think it was because I was eating too much cheese. Hey, if this helps the BEST quarterback play another couple years, I am all on board for my own completely selfish needs and wants. I still don't like the fact that he is moving towards more of a "Vegan" diet, that automatically eliminates the man card. As of now he is still mixing in some red meats and chicken so we are all good. Lets get serious, Aaron could wear a pink bra and play with a sequenced belt and glitter on his jersey and I would still be just as obsessed with him as long as he kept wingin' that pigskin around the lot! Aaron can enjoy a large bathtub filled with Tofu once he hoists the Lombardi in Houston this winter. Hell, I will eat the Tofu he bathes in if it means another Super Bowl!
PS-In case you were worried, I was not drinking enough water, and after doing that, I was able to beat the long odds of constipation while still eating cheese.
I am such a HUGE BELIEBER and would go down in a blaze of glory defending my boy, Baby Biebs! His beautiful lyrics and songs make me wanna fly! However, him being good at soccer does not impress me or make me give a flying fuck because soccer blows! Video recently surfaced of Bae Bieber kicking around the soccer ball with Neymar (apparently a really good footie player). You had to figure, judging by his frail stature, his model looks, and his ever changing hair cuts the only thing he could possibly be good at, sports wise, would have to be "the beautiful sport". I will still support the Biebs till I die, but he should be SORRY for this choice in sport.
I am a sucker for a good fart joke or really anything fart related. When I read an article from USA Today about Cleveland Cav's owner, Dan Gilbert, using a remote controlled fart machine under head coach Mike Brown's chair during a press conference I literally LOL'D. You gotta love the sense of humor of a billionaire still believing in the classic comedy of farts. Fart chivalry is not dead after all! He had this fart machine installed under Brown's chair and he stood in the back of the room and controlled the machine while Brown gave the presser. Unfortunately, mics did not catch the sound, or this baby would have been viral! If i were an NBA player looking to sign with a team, I am moving the Cav's to the top of the list! I want a guy that doesn't take himself too seriously and can "rip some farts" and drink some beers like a real man should. Nothing says AMERICA like a good fart to disperse a crowd! I envision a meeting with Gilbert to be met with a handshake buzzer and a hearty laugh, followed by a forced out fart from under his own chair for extra intimidation. He then acts like nothing happened and makes YOU feel like the asshole in the room.
If you are successful enough to be in that position, I say you do whatever the fuck you want to humor yourself throughout the day. The only way the Cleveland Cavaliers win a championship is if the entire team embraces the fart machine and starts pranking everyone. Literally will loosen up the team a bit, even if this was 10 years ago! Taylor Swift has always rubbed me the wrong way. If her music wasn't so goddamn catchy I would have much stronger hate for her. Her brand is so played out to me, she goes out and dates a bunch of dudes, gets her heart broken and that becomes her moneymaker. We all know the shtick by now, another breakup means another album drop in a matter of months. I wonder if her boyfriends, at the time, realize instead of writing in her cute little journal she is actually writing about how much she hates (insert 119th boyfriend's name). It's time for the boys to strike back! The Calvin Harris breakup means she will be looking to dive head first into a new relationship within approximately two weeks.
This plan will only work if she drops back down to the less famous tier of men, which I can only assume she will after the Harris break up. If you become that "lucky" guy she falls for, ya simply fake the relationship and write down all her tendencies... Like how she farts in her sleep, she will only have sex with you AFTER she eats her cheese wheels because those make her very horny, and that she queefs while doing the deed. After sex, she sprouts a long and skinny rat tail and drops pellets of poop on the bed in excitement. (Those are just some of the things I hear she does) You spend a few weeks or months in the studio and WALLAH!! You just ended her career and yours is just beginning! As of June 1st the Milwaukee Brewers are sitting at a more than respectable 24-29. There has been plenty of reminders as to what a rebuilding team looks like when you watch them play. However, the positives far outweigh the negatives so far this season. Craig Counsell and David Stearns both deserve an abundance of credit for this surprising start. Granted, most lifelong Brewer fans should have had bottom of the barrel expectations this season, and at least 2-3 years going forward. The Crew has played extremely hard and have an aggressive and gritty style, much in the same mold that Counsell played his whole career. Most of these guys on the team are placeholders who have never gotten a chance to stick in the majors for full seasons at a time. Yet they keep peeking my interest and make me want to watch. Despite the fact that David Stearns is a total nerd, the man seems to be able to build a team and his analytical side might be the breathe of fresh air the Brewers needed. It isn't going to be easy to replace the Mustache Executive of the Year Award winner, Doug Melvin. He has taken home this prestigious award 8 straight seasons, but dammit to hell if Stearns isn't willing to try!
There are two players in particular I despise on this team, Wily Peralta and Scooter Gennett. They both can get the hell outta here. Trade them both for a Pornhub HD account and a crate of ultra ribbed condoms. I am so sick of Bill Schroeder sucking Peralta's dick, the guy fucking sucks! And the only success he sniffed is his rookie season, and that is simply because hitters didn't know who the fuck he was or what kind of shit he threw. Gennett is someone I used to get into heated arguments over while defending his stupid ass. I couldn't be more wrong about him being the second basemen of the future. He can't touch the southpaws and can't hit righties anymore either. He is utterly useless! His own fucking dog hates him and gave him a black eye earlier this season. They need to call up number one prospect Orlando Arcia. They have found either their second or third basemen of the future in Jonathan Villar, again, kudos to David Stearns for knowing what he had in that addition for Carlos Gomez last summer. I am not impressed with Domingo Santana's lack of improvement from last season. Zach Davies just started teething last week, he should have a long career in the league at that age. All of what you read is a huge lie. This team is hitting .243 (18th in MLB) and have an ERA of 4.67, good for 25th in the majors. I actually have no fucking clue how they are so close to a .500 ball club. I am going to hold my positive vibes until the end of the season. This makes no logical sense at all. GO BREWERS!! |
AuthorJust a boy bloggin about life. Archives
October 2016
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